Frito Andito

          Today, I cleaned house and deposited all of the numerous returnables in a series of trips to the supermarket and back. I started listing the ones that aren't eligible to go back there -- efficiency is our goal at NASA. Tonight's venue of choice would be Jared's house, where a laxbro-themed party was in full swing on arrival. I came dressed in my best popped polo, swim trunks, Yankees hat, and belt slung bandolier-style across the chest and hung with five extra pairs of sunglasses. Jules, Alaric, Iris, and I would play Edward 40-Hands.
          If you're not familiar with the idea, Edward 40-Hands is a game wherein the player has a 40-oz. bottle of malt liquor duct taped to each hand. They may not remove a bottle until they have drained it. Down in the basement, where we actually had room to work, Matt T helped us affix the goods. My first impression was of my hands turning into chunks of ice, insulated as they were against the chilly glass. Jules knocked down both of hers within an hour, which is something like 10 beers, and was completely blitzed for the rest of the night. Alaric was the first to finish, but escaped that fate, and Iris was also speedy. I, meanwhile, had gone an hour and a half with only 2/3 of a bottle finished.
          Upstairs, I spent some time dancing under the DJ auspices of Ryan L. I curled up in the corner to work on my drink hands, and Maddie sat down with me. She talked me through finishing the last of the first 40, during which I almost threw up from the overload of lukewarm malt liquor. I owe her for getting me over that hump. The second 40 was easier: the liquor was colder, I was drunk already, and the free hand allowed me to make an awkward trip to the bathroom. While in there, I tried to put down the bottle that was still taped to my hand (oops.) That actually helped, given my drink nursing and "sip 'n put it down" tendencies. Finally, I settled in the back of the kitchen -- ostensibly the busiest room, but the beer pong table kept foot traffic to a minimum so I could stretch out and concentrate on drinking.