Attack of the Fifty Foot Post

          It is the spring of 2011. Deep in the admissions department at Northeastern University, a daring plan is hatched. If successful, this scheme would unite all of the finest minds in Boston under one roof. One semester later, the residents of International Village's ninth floor have moved into their new lodging. This is their story.
          Of course, when I say "they," I actually mean "we," so I suppose I should say this is our story.

Principal players:

          Alaric  - Also known as the Reverend General Invincible. Named for a Visigoth general, this fiery-haired gent seduces women with a soulful saxophone and uses his deductive skills to determine if a situation "seems legit."
          Amy - Also known as Ames. Hailing from an unknown land, Amy is a sociology major with a penchant for slacklining and has hair larger than the average seven year old. She likes firearms and Miyazaki films also.
          Angel - Angel has the Dutch-est last name out of anyone I have encountered at NU thus far. She is adept at cornrowing, confectionery, and also has powerful kung fu. Additionally, I would like to wish her a happy birthday!
          Ben - A native of Maryland, this mysterious creature -- we call them "engineers" -- resides directly across the hall. He is the sole occupant of a double and uses the extra space to store torture devices "projects" for class. He is also very sarcastic and laughs at things that were not intended humorously.
          Eric - A cinema junkie masquerading as a fifth floor resident, I owe Eric bro-tier props for training me in the mystical art of Steam as well as lending me his Netflix account. He has the power of facial hair, if somewhat less honed than mine, and is generally commendable.
          Esther - An intense young woman who is known to utilize kitchenware and appliances without permission. Like me, she is from upstate New York. Unlike me, she dislikes arguments and can shoot lasers out of her eyes, an unpleasant combo any way you slice it.
          Harrison - A distinguished gentleman and Alaric's roommate. He creates wonderful music and poetry and is known to keep it delicate. Also holds the title of "that guy I met at orientation and never thought I'd meet again but here we are 2 rooms apart and chilling out." So yeah, that's pretty cool.
          Heather - Another ninth floor res living on the second, Heather is a skater from Boulder, Colorado who is in the business of thieving cookies and rugs. Her greatest weakness is the horror movie, but she has an uncanny ability to withstand the mind-numbing asininity of the chick flick.
          Iris - Best known for her role as Little Glasses Girl in V for Vendetta, Iris is always frustrated at people who hang around while she works and takes it out on me. I accept this injustice silently, partly because she is my friend and also because she can make those cool origami stars and does lovely drawings in ink.
          Jackie - Always pleasant company, this 9F North inhabitant is notable for two reasons: 1) she pees a lot, and 2) she's a vegan, which naturally makes one better than most people and grants them mind powers. Jackie also teaches yoga and is an Occupy activist.
          Jaco - Another member of the ginger trio, Jaco (pronounced JAH-koh) is a foaming-at-the-mouth hockey fan and is the westernmost of my 9F West friends. Recently, in the spirit of the Thanksgiving season, she posted "hand turkey" marker drawings on several doors. I myself did not receive one -- should investigate further.
          Jaimie - Also known as James. Geographically among the closest of my friends (make some noise, Hudson Valley). She has become a master of the three-point shot into the bad story basket, and does a passing fair impression of Her Majesty the Queen. Receives royalties any time someone uses the phrase "I just think it's so funny" and notably dislikes movies; performs a stunning solo in "Dynamite" with the Rageous Band.
          Jansen - The second literally close-to-home dorm mate (Power Kingdom!), Jansen has yet to fully grasp the art of mini pizzas, but is learning quickly. He alone backed me up when two friends had a negative reaction to one of my favorite films, In Bruges. Holds down the percussion section of the Rageous Band.
          Joseph - My unfortunate, virus-struck suite mate. A double engineering major from Massachusetts, everything was going well when tragedy struck in the form of mononucleosis! When he's not asleep, he's an avid sports fan and is generally easy to share a bathroom with.
          Laura - The third of the flame-haired friends, Laura is a balls-to-the-wall cross country runner and, according to her urbandictionary.com article, both "sex on legs" and "the rudest person you'll ever meet." She spends her time brooding over self-inflicted pain biochemistry, accidentally saying suggestive things, and making interesting sounds.
          Lauren - A swimmer, so immediately my polar opposite; she's also the owner of a genuine pair of Power Pants which allow her to jump over all the things. In a manner reminiscent of my own brother, she calls everything "weird." She's also eerily similar in appearance to a Saugertiesian friend of mine, which is sooo weird.
          Ryan - Viola player (heh heh heh) and symphony addict. Ryan plays a perfect Charlie Brown and wears a trucker hat with more panache than anyone I know. His laugh is astonishingly carrying, and has been known to summon coyotes from the mountains to do his bidding.
          Sabrina - Bass player and Harry Potter fanatic. She can do a great impersonation of Bellatrix Lestrange but her TF2 is weak and requires some shoring up. A music industry major, she is also one of the few Mastodon fans I've had the pleasure of meeting and is a wonderful conversationalist.
          Sarah - Also known as Sherbert. Indirectly responsible for my assassination during International Assassins '11 Fall, she has the ability to transform into a tasty dessert and has bad-ass Facebook profile pictures.
          Scott - Also known as Deaf. Resident athlete and tall person, when Scott meets my hair gel a star is born. He has the softest hair known to mankind and is known to throw sheep to work off excess energy.
          Sean - Also known as the Goddamn Batman. A true balliner and mathematics major (unrelated). Sean is the patron saint of black and grey stripes and makes a mean online gaming partner. He does math that doesn't even exist.
          Shandana - Resident Greenpeace-class animal softie from Denmark and animal-class Green Day fan. Stays up nights experimenting with the voice controls on her phone and creeping out suite mate James. Also keeps a mentally handicapped fish named Squid and uses "feeding the fish" as an excuse to escape any situation.
          Shannon - Last but not least, Shannon is Jackie's roommate and a true sass master. Despite throwing us under the bus during Husky Hunt, she's still a blast to hang out with and is a gigantic splash of color on a dreary day. Gigantic figuratively, not literally.

Sorry for the colossal post, but now I can talk about people without introducing them one by one!